


There’ll Be Peace (When You Are Done)

by Aerica_Menai



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Asexual Character, Asexuality, Asexuality Spectrum, F/M, demiromantic gray-asexual!Sam
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-26
Updated: 2018-10-26
Packaged: 2019-08-07 16:49:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,453
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16412225
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aerica_Menai/pseuds/Aerica_Menai
Summary: Canon divergent post ep 1x19, when Sam and Sarah have the meeting they deserved and a long talk about Sam...and some of the reasons why he doesn’t hook up or even date all that often (aside from the obvious canon).





	There’ll Be Peace (When You Are Done)

**Author's Note:**

> Had to post today, since it's not only Supernatural Thursday but also Asexual Awareness Week! As always, this fic never would have made it off my desktop without the cheerleading and beta-read by the amazing @grayraincurtain - you're the best <3
> 
> I also would not have been watching this episode and being inspired without the fantastic Ride or Die Podcast, where two brave souls are rewatching the Supernatural show from the very beginning, episode by episode, and dragging us all along for the ride. The new episode is always the highlight of my Thursday, I definitely suggest that any Supernatural fans should go and check it out!
> 
> Title from Carry On My Wayward Son by Kansas (I know, I know, low blow, but this fic is supposed to help ease the pain by showing the peace that Sam will find in the end of my divergent canon... if that helps :P)
> 
> Inspired by this exchange:
> 
> Sam: [Agitated] I don't get it, why do you care if I hook up?  
> Dean: [Calmly] Cause then maybe you wouldn't be so cranky all the time.  
> [Sam stares at him, then huffs out a breath and looks away.]  
> Dean: [Sitting up on the bed] You know, seriously Sam, this isn't just about hooking up, okay? I mean, I think that this Sarah girl could be good for you.  
> [Sam sighs and scratches his head. Dean watches closely.]  
> Dean: [Softly] And...I don't mean any disrespect but I'm sure this is about Jessica right? Now I don't know what it's like to lose somebody like that...but...I would think that she would want you to be happy.  
> [Sam is quiet and listening now, tears in his eyes.]  
> Dean: God forbid, have fun once in a while. Wouldn't she?  
> Sam: [softly] Yeah, I know she would. [Sam gives a half smile, then sighs heavily.] Yeah you're right. Part of this is about Jessica. But not the main part.  
> Dean: What's it about?  
> [Sam refuses to answer.]
> 
> Probably the intention was for Sam to imply hunting and all its dangers and inconveniences, buuut there is definitely room for interpretation… which I ran with!
> 
> (Many thanks to the fantastic webpage Forever Dreaming, which has provided transcripts for the vast majority of SPN episodes - you can find them all at http://transcripts.foreverdreaming.org/viewforum.php?f=105&sid=90a05b9ef0ac2f08245968dc96c1ee2b and this specific episode transcript at http://transcripts.foreverdreaming.org/viewtopic.php?f=105&t=6579)

Months after the case with the serial-killing ghost girl in the painting, San realized their current case had taken them pretty close to Beacon, where Sarah lived. He glanced over at Dean, remembering how much he liked Sarah and figured that between that and the successful hunt they just had, Dean would probably be willing to swing by, at least for a few days. Suddenly nervous, he reflexively wiped his sweaty hands on his jeans and blurted, “So. Ghost is gone.” 

Dean gave him a weirded out glance before focusing back on the road. “Yes, Captain Obvious. Anything else to report?” 

Sam took a deep breath. “We’re pretty close to Beacon, aren’t we?” 

Sam could see Dean’s eyebrow furrowing in confusion before it clicked and his eyes lit up and a shit-eating grin spreading across his face. “Why yes, yes we are, Sam,” he replied gleefully. “Is there anything you want to do in particular while we’re there?” 

Sam groaned and slid down in his seat. “You know exactly why I want to go, jerk,” he grumbled. 

Dean just smirked at him. “Of course I do, bitch, but I want to hear you say it.” 

Sam rolled his eyes but muttered, “I want to go see Sarah.” Dean punched his fist in the air and swung the car around, headed toward Sarah’s hometown. Sam took a deep breath. It was time to tell Sarah that long story for another time - about Jessica, and about him.

*~*

Dean dropped him off at the art gallery where they last saw Sarah and quickly left to check in at the nearest motel - a nice gesture that was negated by the handful of condoms he quickly shoved into Sam’s pocket before speeding off, cackling. Sam, blushing a furious red, grabbed them all and dumped them in the nearest trash can before taking some deep breaths and steeling himself to knock on the door. Or at least he would have, if it hadn’t wrenched open to show a beaming Sarah standing behind it. “Sam! You’re back!” She cried, throwing her arms around him in a welcoming hug. “How long are you in town?”

Sam grinned. It was good to see Sarah, healthy and happy and beautiful as ever. “Not sure yet. Would you be interested in having dinner tonight? I have a couple long stories that I think you deserve to hear.”

Sarah’s eyes lit up. “Let me go grab my purse and coat, and we’ll go to our place.” Sam grinned in nostalgia, remembering their awkward fumbling. Hopefully second time was the charm - and his long stories didn’t scare Sarah off completely.

*~*

Dinner was surprisingly pleasant, both of them catching the other up on what had been happening - Sarah talking about the art she and her dad still found and sold, Sam talking about the places he and Dean had visited on their hunts. 

But eventually that line of conversation petered out, and Sarah looked expectantly at Sam.

“I know I told you that Jessica died - that my mom died - but what I didn’t tell you was that both of those deaths were because of me. My mom died in a fire in my nursery, trying to protect me, and Jessica… she never would have been on anyone or anything’s radar if she hadn’t been a part of my life.” He blinked back tears, taking in deep breaths as the pain washed over him. He rode the wave before taking some deep breaths and forging on. “She died right before I had my interview at Stanford Law School, and after that… I just couldn’t. I had to - have to - find what killed her and make it pay.”

Sam let the pain dissipate, picking at his food, Sarah silently watching him, not judging, just listening. He hoped she would continue to look at him that way after he dropped the next bombshell.

“Aside from mourning Jessica,” Sam started slowly, “there’s another reason why a reasonably attractive guy like me,” he smirked as Sarah laughed, remembering that moment, “doesn’t go on a lot of dates. While I was at Stanford, there was the usual student hookup culture - one night stands, a lot of casual sex - and that never really appealed to me. My friends all tried setting me up, but I just never clicked with anyone and pretty soon they stopped trying. I was probably more laser-focused than most people would have liked to see in a potential boyfriend.” He smiled self-deprecatingly. “Anyway, I was fine focusing on my studies, rising above all the hormones etc., til I met Jessica. I was really lucky, she was like me, interested in a more meaningful connection than a hookup, so we got to know each other well. What I did figure out not too long after was that even though I really liked Jessica, and I thought she was beautiful beyond belief, it wasn’t...sexual. I didn’t want to have sex with her, the girl I thought I was on my way to falling in love with - what the hell was wrong with me? At first I tried to hide it, forcing myself to get more and more intimate with her even as my skin was crawling.” He grinned fondly. “Jessica was one of the smartest and most empathetic people I ever met; she figured me out pretty quick, and we figured out a game plan. First, for me to stop forcing myself since, as Jessica put it, sex should be completely consensual, desired on both sides, and never a chore. Secondly, we did some Internet searching and after clicking past all the ‘improve/fix your libido!’ stuff, there was a little forum about asexuality. Jessica wasn’t just a girl I was in love with, she literally changed my life forever - I’m not broken, I’m not a horrible person for loving someone and not desiring them sexually, I’m just asexual. I mean, technically it’s a bit more complex than that, but.” Sam wiped his sweaty palms on his pants again. “I figure it’s probably a lot to hear already.”

He couldn’t look at her, afraid to see the expression on her face, until she gently cleared her throat and asked, “Why don’t you explain the rest of it, Sam? I want to know.”

Sam quickly glanced up and saw that Sarah wasn’t pulling his leg, she was serious and she was ready to listen, smiling and open in a way no one had been since...well, Jessica. Blinking back tears at the acceptance and the bittersweet memories, Sam cleared his throat and continued. “Over time I figured out that I did have flashes of sexual attraction, not often but randomly they’d just show up, which means I’m more likely gray-asexual than asexual - I can be immediately sexually interested in a person, it’s just not often and, for me, there doesn’t seem to be much of a pattern as to who, or why I find them attractive. I also realized that I’m not really attracted to someone romantically until I really get to know them.” He smiled shakily. “Which brings me to the real reason I came back to talk to you, Sarah. I was definitely getting flashes of attraction to you, so I think that we could have something really great, but I want to get to know you better and really solidify those flashes. I know that I’m traveling a lot, and don’t really have a permanent address to send mail to, but I figure we could send emails, just talk and learn more about each other while Dean and I keep hunting and you keep selling art - and when Dean and I are nearby, we’ll come and visit. I know it’s not perfect, and it’ll be a lot of work, but I think, if you’re up for it, we can do this and find something amazing.”

Sarah smiled. “I think that’s a great idea, Sam. Thank you for trusting me with such a personal secret and with your wonderful, gorgeous self.” She giggled, clinking their glasses. “To our new relationship, as unconventional as it may be.” 

“To us,” Sam agreed, blinding smile stretching across his face.

*~*

Back at the motel, Dean did a dramatic double take when Sam walked in later that night, gasping, “Sammy, you dog, did you really go through all 10 condoms? Can Sarah even leave the bed?”

“No you jerk, I threw those away first thing! Sarah and I just...talked.” Sam smiled dreamily.

Dean just rolled his eyes. “Whatever, bitch.” But internally, he was happy that his little brother seemed to finally have gotten his act together and made a move on Sarah - she made Sam happy, and that was all Dean really cared about.


End file.
